X Rubicon: Forgiveness (& Responsibility)

"Some showed me Life as 'twere a terrible fight, A ceaseless striving 'gainst unnumbered foes, A battle ever harder to the close, Ending in night."

Rubicon & Sean Griobhtha

(Too long for email? Click the title & read online.)

Destroy your ignorance; Develop your empathy.

This, for us, is one month of Remembrance, sadly for many it’s the only month of Remembrance, and, sadder still, many will not pay attention or remember anything at all. This chapter from the book, X Rubicon: Crossing Life, Sex, Love, & Killing in CIA Proxy Wars: An indictment of US Citizens, is the first share of full book excerpts leading up to Memorial Day. Those who are honest and confident in their humanity will not be bothered. Veterans with Humanity will not be bothered. But I guarantee these writings will bother armchair warriors, non-combat pretenders, and precocious virgins talking about sex, and anger them; and I truly hope it does. The ending here is very pointed, and it is required.

A friend of ours, who died not long ago, read the book and stated, “You will see yourself in this book. It’s like looking into a mirror, and your reflection reaches out and smacks you hard across the face.” This is the pain of the dawning of Responsibility. The chapter Memorial Day will be posted just before that day; and 4 July, which deals with similar responsibilities just before that day.

Again, these reflect Rubicon’s experiences, thoughts, & emotions portrayed in my (Sean’s) words because of the pain involved. If you want to know the source of that pain, read the book.

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Forgiveness

Some showed me Life as 'twere a royal game,

Shining in every colour of the sun,

With prizes to be played for, one by one,

Love, riches, fame.

Some showed me Life as 'twere a terrible fight,

A ceaseless striving 'gainst unnumbered foes,

A battle ever harder to the close,

Ending in night.

Thou – Thou dids't make of Life a vision deep

Of the deep happiness the spirit feels

When heavenly music Heaven itself reveals

And passions sleep.

Three Aspects – Mary Coleridge — Opus 176, No 1 – HH Parry

Performed by John McCormack

The first of these stanzas I experienced when still a boy. The only thing I was told that mattered was money, making money, and obtaining possessions, fame, and power. Even though my greatest interests were music and sex, my father and my siblings (save one) made it clear that nothing mattered but money.

The second stanza occurred when I joined the military – the fight against our evil foes was a never ending battle that could only end in total destruction. But to the religious zealots of the US, this never seemed to matter. To many zealots, Israel must be maintained in order to bring on the Apocalypse. Some would love to hurry that along, and when idiots feel killing is ordained by God, how are you supposed to argue? This also allows Israel to commit atrocities non-stop and hide behind US, religious, and Holocaust skirts. When idiots lie and say God told them, or told them to do it, what response can there be to such an insane mind?

Julie brought me in from the cold. Julie made me feel and see love. Julie saved me from myself and has stayed by my side through extremely difficult times. At times I hated myself so deeply I couldn’t understand her love for me. I knew what I had done, and she didn’t, and I was so afraid to tell her who I was and what I had done. She patiently waited until “the time was right”.

I’m slow to figure out some things, but the perpetration of needless and unjust death threw me down hard. As I’ve said, for years I couldn’t accept what I had done. Then I refused to accept it even though I knew better. I tried completely blaming others for some of my own choices. I even tried denying that I had done anything at all, yet at the same time, working against that notion to try and find details and answers.

Becoming a killer happened in a relatively short time span, but it didn’t happen overnight and it didn’t happen without help – serious programmed conditioning. The 2-1/2 years involved in dealing out death took at least 40 years of my life, and nearly 40 years of Julie’s life. It took me 38 years to tell Julie, the fear was so great. How do you tell a person that you were a volunteer killer? How do you tell the person you love that you’ve cut off a man’s head, shoved knives into throats, hearts, kidneys, livers, and souls? How do you describe such a thing to those you love? Holding it in all those years was excruciating, but letting it out was just as excruciating. Writing these events down has drained me.

Yet Julie still stands by my side encouraging me and loving me, hoping for me to find peace. She wants nothing more than for me to be able to relax with her and enjoy what is left of life. That is quite difficult for me, because I can’t forgive myself for being so naive and stupid. Every night the dead visit me in my sleep. The woman whose life, baby, and husband I took away is the most frequent. After telling Julie about these things, Julie started appearing in the dreams with the woman and her mates attempting to kill her.

For years Julie had to put up with my kicking, running, punching, and stabbing in my sleep. Listening to my calling out attack vectors. I would wake up so exhausted like I had been in the field the entire night. The dreams would stick with me throughout the day because they were able to engage my entire brain in the conflict, and I would feel the original traumas all over again.

While still in the military, PTSD was listed in the 1980 DSM under anxiety disorders; yet the psychiatrist who interviewed me in 1981, with all information available to him, completely ignored this. Subsequent treatment throughout the ‘80s ignored this diagnosis. It wasn’t until the early 2000s that a psychiatrist diagnosed me with PTSD without even knowing the details. The truth is that PTSD was generally ignored as a diagnoses for veterans until Gulf War veterans demanded to be treated in the ‘90s. The VA had to be shamed and forced into utilizing and treating PTSD in the ‘90s. One of the fortuitous breakthroughs for PTSD nightmares came when a VA doctor treating vets for urinary problems associated with prostate issues gave his patients prazosin, an alpha receptor adrenaline blocker, and many of those patients reported it helping with PTSD dreams.

My dreams had increased dramatically again in the last few years. They had caused such a huge loss in sleep over the years. At one point I would drink coffee into the middle of the night to avoid sleeping and the dreams. With my full brain and body being activated, trying to sleep at times became like trying to sleep during combat or in a loud movie theater. Last year [2021] I began therapy with prazosin. At 1mg my movements (stabbing, kicking, punching, etc…) dropped in half. At 2mg my body movements stopped. At 3mg the vast majority of my brain was locked out of the dream viewing room, and restful sleep started to come. At 4, then 6mg, then 8mg the viewing room is locked and other brain functions are not allowed to participate. While the dreams still exist, the rest of my brain is not allowed to activate in response to the dreams, and sleep is generally deep and rejuvenating, and I want more. This is a wonderful turn for me, even if not a cure, but I can’t help wonder what it would have been like to have this medicine 40 years ago. Prazosin was developed in the ‘70s to treat high blood pressure, so it was there, just not prescribed for my purpose. But there it was, in my world. How might my life and Julie’s life have been different?

I find that my view of the mental health profession is skewed negatively. First there’s the psychiatrist who obviously ignored the warning signs in order to support a predetermined diagnosis made for the sake of command expediency. Therapists have followed general medicine and most only look at the foremost problem of the day or week, and ignore the whole person. Psychologists have been documented being involved in torture in cahoots with the CIA, politicians, and the military. The VA is still [2025] dragging its feet on PTSD treatment regardless of what it says publicly. The majority of vets with PTSD (70%) are driven away by the VA, either by outright opposition to treating them, making them jump through hoops for treatment, or by leaving them on wait lists FOREVER. In the early 2000s the VA was castigated for not moving fast enough with PTSD treatment still. Congress ordered something to be done, and the process sped up a little. Then Vietnam vets and those before 9/11 were demanding PTSD treatment, and the VA and Republicans whined about its budget. The backstabbing Congress, without fanfare, declared new VA policy which required that for the VA to treat a vet for PTSD, the event which caused the trauma must have occurred within the last 10 years. In one fell swoop those not already in the system were turned away. The system which screens the vets has a redoubled financial purpose for turning soldiers away from treatment. To make matters worse, recent research shows that the VA is no more successful at treating PTSD than private practice – in other words, they fail most of the time; and of their successes (PTSD diagnoses unilaterally removed after such and such a period of time), many of those removed from treatment after having been considered “cured” have their symptoms return months to years later. Why is this important?

Anyone who’s gone through the trauma of combat knows that there is no cure. The guilt, shame, and sadness that occur are a life-long struggle. This is true for all PTSD sufferers. My father-in-law was a WW2 infantryman. He came back from Europe and held a steady job and had a family, had a massive heart attack in his 40’s, and when he got old he was sure he was going to Hell for what he had done. For those soldiers, like myself and Sean, who are perpetrators, there’s a special pain to deal with. But if the government and its Agency refuse to deal with what they have wrought, where does a veteran turn?

Many turn to work and family, have heart attacks, and die. Many turn to drugs and/or alcohol, and die. Many turn to angry violence, and die. Many turn to a gun and blow their brains out. Many turn to the streets and become homeless, and perhaps die. Many turn to justifications based on the propaganda that got them in the mess in the first place; and many turn to religion, seeking justification in the Father, Son, and “Holy Hand Grenade of Jerusalem” [The Holy Grail – Monty Python], seeking a higher power to provide blank check forgiveness.

Some have SOs and spouses who struggle so hard to help this person they love so dearly. My best advice for them is listen without judgment – they didn’t choose to make this journey. Take them to a GP to have prazosin or propranolol prescribed – the more sleep they get the better. Take an active interest in the journey that got them where they are. Not many choose to become killers, yet programming in lieu of just reasoning makes it happen.

If you have children, DO NOT ALLOW RECRUITERS TO TALK WITH THEM. Be honest with your kids and tell them the truth when they’re old enough. Recruiters are nothing but lying car salesmen – “What do I have to do to put you with this M-16 or body bag today?” Be honest with yourself about what your government does. Boys and men are expendable to governments and war – they have been since the beginning of time. Life means nothing to a power hungry politician, ruler, or ideological or religious fanatic; or, at least no life matters but their own.

If you want to help a veteran with this type of PTSD, show them respect and love. Participate with them in grounding, and I don’t mean touching the floor in a therapist’s office, but the ground, nature, sex, and elements of the Earth – From the Earth we came and to the Earth we will return. They WILL need to cry. They could talk to other vets if they’re still around, but what they need is for their loved ones to understand them and their predicament. This will take a fair bit of mind opening. Most people don’t have a clue what combat really is, or how damaging to the psyche it can be. A spouse and family must be willing to expand their knowledge. Every American needs to expand their knowledge, and take responsibility for what they ask young men to do in their name.

The men I knew then, at least the ones I wanted to know, are dead. There are no vets of similar experience lining up to talk, other than patriotic vainglorious bullshit. The work to understand how 2-1/2 years became an all consuming 40 years, segueing into a lifetime, has fallen on myself, alone, and then my wife. At great sacrifice to herself she has kept me alive out of love, to help come to an understanding.

Charlie Rangle used to insist that all Americans serve, not because he loved war, but because he felt that mothers, fathers, voters would pay more attention to what their government gets involved in if they had a personal stake, a life, in the process – they wouldn’t be so quick to support war and destruction. A volunteer force for colonial power is unsustainable without lies & unemployment, privilege & money, and steroids. The head of the Michigan VFW stated not too long ago that what bothers the volunteer veterans most is that while they joined based on unknown lies, and thought all Americans were in this together, they found out that most Americans are ignorant spoiled bitches that don’t pay attention, especially not paying attention to the damage done to veterans. And then there are the Americans I call Rolf, praising war and destruction and calling out the need to orgasmically kill for the fatherland while having no experience in such – virgins talking about sex. Many vets feel abandoned by a spoiled population, and this is one of the most damaging parts of PTSD, the abandonment and lies. Joe Biden never gotten his comeuppance from his years of meddling, not even after his support of a war in Iraq based on nothing but lies – he’s a putrid Machiavelli who can’t even apologize. He continued looking for his next “splendid war” – and this also contributes to PTSD, the lack of justice and retribution for those who cause the problems. If only they had the honor to fall on their swords.

PTSD almost accomplished what thousands of rebels and Iranian soldiers couldn’t. Julie saved me from death multiple times. Without her love, without the expansion of her fine mind, I wouldn’t be able to fully adapt. She has realized things of which she was unaware. She continues to work with me and stay with me. I will always have to live with the guilt, shame, sadness, and anger, but Julie is here to help me. What I, what all veterans, and veterans with PTSD, also desperately need is for Americans to wake the fuck up and join reality and the humanity.

PTSD is multifaceted. While its true that a PTSD veteran must do hard work to get into treatment and participate, either by himself or through others, a veteran finds it difficult to impossible to forgive treachery and lies by their government and commanders, especially as they never express guilt and shame for what they have wrought. A veteran finds it difficult to impossible to forgive the propaganda and programming that turned him into what he never wanted to be. A veteran finds it difficult to impossible to forgive the chicken hawks and virgins talking about sex who have no clue what the fuck they are praising or talking about. A veteran finds it difficult to impossible to forgive the lying accounts of officers writing books seeking glory and hero status for themselves, and writing justifications for wars and policies that destroy life for ideological and unjust reasons, especially when it is civilians, enlisted men, and NCOs who do the majority of dying, getting wounded and scarred, killing, and living with guilt, shame, and sadness for life. There are definitely worse things than dying.

A veteran may be able to forgive himself for being young, naive, programmed, etc…, but he will always kick himself for not having been smarter and wiser in discernment – even if that were not possible at the time. He may forgive himself if he is drafted and literally has no choice but death by battle or the firing squad. He will not be so ready or willing to forgive himself when he is a volunteer in an all volunteer force. Regardless of whether drafted or not, and of being able to spread fault around, he will be unable to forgive himself for the throats he cut, the brains he splattered, the livers he tore open, the hearts he stopped beating, the decapitations, or the targets he destroyed that later overwhelm him by the realization of the humanity he destroyed when the programming wears away. Forgiveness, for self and others, is as multifaceted as PTSD and is not always possible.

When Vietnam soldiers returned and were spat upon, they were the wrong targets of wrath, mostly berated by the same virgins talking about sex, non-combat pretenders, armchair warriors, etc... that have always existed. The anti-war movement targeted the wrong people. Overcorrecting, the population at large – still virgins talking about sex – came up with “Thank you for your service”, regardless of how the veteran feels about that service or how it affects them when you say it – because you have no idea what that veteran has gone through or done in your name. It’s a phrase that makes the virgin feel better, not the veteran. In doing so the speakers absolve themselves of their own part in the killing and destruction. The targets of wrath should have been themselves for allowing their government to go too far. The targets of anti-war wrath should be the Congressmen and women who fail to hold their government accountable to their Constitutional duties, and who fail to provide a check upon secret and Presidential power. They should be castigated for signing away their duties to secret agencies and Presidents who have nothing but gain from war.

Responsibility

Gravedigger

When you dig my grave

Could you make it shallow

So that I can feel the rain?

Gravedigger – Dave Matthews

I want to make this as clear as possible. Every citizen in a democracy is responsible for what their government does. That means every American, every last one of you, is responsible for the atrocities, killing, and destruction performed in your name. You cede your power to Congress, and they cede it to secret agencies and Presidential power grabs. The whole premise of the Constitution is the control of the government by the citizens, specifically control of the Executive. The President is supposed to preside, not control; they are supposed to execute your wishes, not make them up for you to subsequently accept.

Every last one of you is a killer, the same as me. You were there when I stabbed those men and women. You were there when I cut those throats. You were there when I drove the knife up into the brain of the Nicaraguan guard. You were there when I decapitated the cartel guard. You were there when I put bullets in so many heads they can’t be properly counted. You were there when we killed unarmed nuns. You were there when I dug the grave and buried the husband, wife, and unborn baby. You helped me perform all these kills. You are responsible as responsible can get, and yet you can’t seem to fathom why so many people ‘round the world hate you, or at least see your guilt.

Ironically, because of your orders, which I defied, you were not there to save the baby. You were also not there to save the girl from getting raped; on the contrary, you were with the troopers providing them weapons and equipment to perform rape and murder (you seem to enjoy it). The bullets that blew out the troopers brains were also meant for you.

You supported corruption, torture, rape, and murder in apartheid South Africa for years. For decades you have supported and still support corruption, torture, rape, and murder in Palestine (apartheid Israel). You supported and still support corruption, torture, rape, and murder in the Philippines, throughout Central and South America, Africa, and across lower Asia. You created the drug war and cartels including the corruption, torture, rape, and murder fomented by their growth. You played the ignorant dupe as Biden continued to play Obomba’s Rolf games with the CIA in Ukraine. YOU are ultimately responsible.

Cold wet stone,
Deep river bed,
Once so clean and clear now runs red.
You know too well
Was me that called you here.
Trouble get behind me now,
Trouble let me be.

Trouble – Dave Matthews

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X Rubicon with The Pretty Reckless — 25

Sean Griobhtha (gree-O-tah) is a combat veteran. His latest book is X Rubicon: Crossing Life, Sex, Love, & Killing in CIA Proxy Wars: An indictment of US Citizens: ignorantia non excusat, which details the life of Rubicon (“2.5 years of Deception & Death; 40+ years of locking away Emotions & Truth”). It’s important that you read the Foreward, Or The Vanguard; written by a highly intelligent woman with a heart of empathetic gold; she’ll bring you in gently, which neither Rubicon nor I would ever do.

Rubicon spent just under three years as a military Scout. During that time he was awarded the “AF Cross, 2 Silver Stars, 4 Bronze Stars, Defense Superior Service Medal, AF Good Conduct Medal, and the CIA Distinguished Service Medal” (ODNI). When he refused to kill further, he was stripped of these awards and was abandoned with his PTSD by the military and thrown away.

Read the Foreward, Or The Vanguard free at Substack. Learn more about the author and Rubicon at Sean Griobhtha.

40% discount available for book clubs, student groups, humanitarian groups, We Are Not Your Soldiers groups, Veterans for Peace groups, & more: Inquire at O.Griobhtha+XRubicon at gmail.

If you want to support this author and creators, you can indicate that their writing is valuable by purchasing X Rubicon from Amazon, Ingram, Barnes & Noble, Bookshop.org, your local independent book seller, or your favorite digital store, or borrow from your local library. View about the author, the book, and abridged translations here.

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